Ah well, she thought, being dead is probably just like everything else in life: you pick up some of it as you go along, and you just make up the rest.

A lovely idea.

I’ve learned it’s not about the gold. It’s about the spirit of the Olympics. I have no regrets. I tried my hardest and if I don’t win the gold, it’s O.K. I’ll be happy.
–Michelle Kwan, on her withdrawl from the 2006 Olympic Games, quoted in the Times.

Seems like every couple of months someone says to me, “So Bob, when are you going to retire?” No one can believe I’m still in the game. Those young’uns see me and just shake their heads. Kids got no respect anymore.

But I still got it. The checkout girls don’t call me “The Bobster” for nothing. Early in my career I held four world speed records. No one could stock toilet paper faster than I could. It was me who invented the “Four Corner Fakey.” That’s where you make a pyramid of canned goods, toilet paper, or whatever by building it from back to front, for speed. Boy, no one could match my speed with that move and it took some guys years to figure out how I did it. The “Fakey” got me promoted to Assistant Manager, the youngest at the store, ever.

I always took the job seriously, not like these newbies. I’d clock in and boom! I was in the zone. Single-minded and focused, you know? I could see it all ahead of time, which items to stock first, how many trips to the aisle it would take, the paths, patterns, and traffic conditions. And I had the moves, too. If you don’t have what it takes to compete at the highest level you’ll find yourself slowed down and driven off-course by some housewife with a cart full of rug rats. (Never had time for a wife myself. Too focused on my career, naturally.) I’ve seen a lot of wet-behind-the-ears clerks take some pretty nasty spills because they lost focus or didn’t have the touch. Some of them never recovered from the humiliation. Sad.

But all work and no play makes Bob a dull boy, right? So, yeah, I guess some of the stories you probably heard about me are true, like the time I partied with the gals at Applebee’s after closing, then got up the next morning for a six o’clock shift only to break the diaper stocking world record by .69 seconds! And my record still stands after 27 years! People think stocking diapers isn’t that hard but let me tell you it is. Those diaper packs are heavy, bulky, and slippery. And they fall off the shelves when you don’t stack them together just right. There’s a lot of running, too, because they take up a lot of shelf space. I consider it the main event. Nothing compares to the feeling you get after a good diaper run. You feel like that kid standing on the rail of the Titanic in that movie, what’s it called?

Anyway, there’s been talk about me retiring for years. Heck, last week Bob Costas showed up at the store and asked if he could do a “retrospective” of my career for NBC television. I told him I wasn’t interested. I wasn’t ready to pull a “Michelle Kwan” and just kick back, rake in the big bucks from my product endorsements. That’s not my style. I’ve got too much ambition. I won’t be content to rest on my five Employee of the Month awards. Someday I’m going to make Store Manager.

That’s right, I’m going for the gold.